Petting

From the Dilbert Blog (6/2/07, 8:01 a.m.) I’m a selfish, egotistical douche bag who gets shit upon by everyone who has my cell phone number. And I hope to God no one quotes THAT out of context.

(How do I get NetNewsWire to automagically include a link to the source, I wonder?)

What do you think about when you pet a dog or cat? There are three typical categories:
1. You imagine how it feels for the animal so you can maximize its pleasure.
2. You think about how it feels to you and your hand.
3. You think about whatever you were going to think about anyway.
If you imagine what it’s like to be the animal, you are probably a generous and giving person who gets shit upon by everyone who has your cell phone number.
If you think about how you and your hand feel, you are probably a selfish, egotistical douche bag.
If you think about whatever you were going to think about anyway, you’re either a sociopath or too busy to enjoy life.
Lately I’ve been trying a new cat-petting method. I keep reading about how pets make people healthier. So I try to visualize the health benefits I’m getting from petting the cat. As I pet, I imagine my blood pressure and cholesterol dropping while my white blood cell count is rising. I tell myself this symbiotic relationship is healthy for the cat too. It’s a win-win scenario. Eventually my mind drifts off to whatever topic I plan to write for my blog.
I realize my petting method makes me a selfish, egotistical, sociopath, douche bag. I figure that’s a small price to pay to live long enough to be an old coot and a burden on society.
It’s important to have goals when you pet. Otherwise you’re just rubbing another mammal for no reason.